Growing Old

I always try to keep a really busy lifestyle because I can't stand being bored. Which is why I don't mind spending hours everyday with my head in a textbook; as long as I'm doing something. I feel like I've somewhat isolated myself this summer. Of course, I needed to do so to study for my DATs, but it started to become more like I was subconsciously isolating myself from the world even when I didn't have to. I used to want to see my friends everyday, and now I actually choose to go home and sit there for hours doing nothing instead of calling people to see if they want to hang out (for most of the time). I feel like it's because I don't have anything interesting anymore to say since I spend my whole life studying, and I feel somewhat pressured to have to say something and try to entertain my friends.

The whole reason I completely changed my work habits after high school was because I remembered how terrible it felt to be rejected from something I really wanted (to go to UCSD) and how frustrated I felt because it was something I couldn't control. After that, I wanted to work hard to get what I wanted. I didn't mind dedicating my whole life to academics and achieving success because I wanted to be able to control my future, and earning people's respect is important to me (I had to deal with getting so much shit from everyone for going to CC).

I start placing academics before everything. I felt like it was all okay because it would all pay off in the end; but now I just feel alone. I feel like I pushed everyone away just to study, and that I forgot what it's like to have fun, what it's like to have close friends. I feel like this summer I've somewhat drifted from the usual people I'm close with. I remember seeing my sister work so hard in high school and thinking, "Man, she totally doesn't even know what fun is anymore. I would hate to have her life." Dammit, now I'm her. I pushed everything aside for the sake of succeeding, including my health. I really feel the effects of not eating well (bad habits I got from last year; no time to eat) and not sleeping well. I've never gotten so many headaches in such a short period, my body randomly aches and I've never felt my heart twinge so much.

Someone close to me kept telling me that I should stop wasting my life in a book. "You only have two lives, and the second one isn't nearly as fun." Maybe it's time to listen.


...o!!<

Tainted Love

Haha, oh man, I heard "Tainted Love" on the radio today. The first thing that popped into my head is Ms. Cochrum [my high school bio teacher] jumping on the table and dancing while belting out "TAINTED LOVEEEEEEEEEE" hahaha. Brings back good memories. I really loved high school, but I was never close with my class. I jumped groups a lot, so I was much of a loner in the end. I don't even keep in touch with high school friends anymore [with the exception of one or two]. I guess that's why I get bored pretty easily when I come home. While everyone's reuniting with high school buddies, I just sometimes hang out with the few friends I do have left here. Even now, I don't find myself close to my "best friend" anymore; it's become more of just a label now. Oh well, I guess we all just grow up and drift apart eventually.

I also went to my elementary school to go swinging today. I used to walk there when I was in a bad mood and go swinging, but now I go just when I go on walks with my sister. I have always loved the swings, ever since I was a kid. It just feels so carefree and relaxing, and feeling the "whoosh" and wind whistling in your ear :)

Just as a random note... I once read an article that said to give thanks for the simple things in life every morning, and it'd give you a happier outlook on life. I do it every night before I sleep, but it really does make my life happier when I'm reminded of all the blessings I have [food, family, friends, shelter, education, etc...]. You should do it too! :)


...o!!<