Birthday

I don't think I've ever dreaded my birthday before, so I'm not sure why I do this time. In fact, I really wish the days would just skip over my birthday. Maybe it's because it reminds me of how young I am [compared to everyone else, at least] or how I'm not 21. If I could get 22+ on DATs for my birthday, that would be a different story. Ah well, I guess it doesn't really matter. Age is but a number anyway. I'm sure I'll still act like I'm 12 when I'm 50, just like my silly mom.

Anyway, DATs are in 2 days. I better own this shizz; wasted so much of my life studying for it. Then again, my whole life is wasted studying anyway. I always daydream about doing really well on this test so I actually have a chance of getting into dental school, butttttt seeing as how I'm a terrible test-taker, that is probably not going to happen. Still though, gotta study while I can. Adiossss world, until Friday!


...o!!<

Angel v.s. Devil

Sometimes I wish I had the courage to do the things I want to do or say I'll do. I don't know why I do this, but even when I am fully aware I'm making the wrong decision, I'll still do it despite my conscious telling me it's not what I want. I'll make sure that I carry out the mission, even though it's not what I feel is right. My brain is just stubborn and acts without regard to what I feel. I think that's why I feel so conflicted all the time; because I can't govern between what I think and what I feel. It's like always having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I remember growing up always wanting to be someone who had the courage and decency to "do the right thing." But it really is so much harder. Seems like my morals are a bit out of place.

Kind of silly, but I remember thinking if I was a good/moral person or a bad person when I was a child, and I always thought that I was a good person. But when I thought that I could actually be a bad person instead, I became really sad, and I believe I even cried over that possibility.

Completely random post... but I suppose there is not much else to do at 6:30 AM. God, sleeping when the sun comes out is depressing.


...o!!<

DATs

DAT studying is seriously driving me crazy right now. My scores have fluctuated, but in most cases, gone down. My past month have been filled with nothing but studying, and I have been completely lacking the play hard part in "work hard, play hard." I've been dying and itching to go out and do something fun, but after studying all day, I just go back home to study even more. This is also because a lot of people can't hang out or because of just my lack of friends in general. This has felt like just one [long] continuous cycle of non-stop studying. I just want a short break; just go have tons of fun for a few days and get back to work. Gahhhh, no more studying pleaseeeee :[ Or at least, let my scores go up so I don't feel like a total ratard.

Growing Old

I always try to keep a really busy lifestyle because I can't stand being bored. Which is why I don't mind spending hours everyday with my head in a textbook; as long as I'm doing something. I feel like I've somewhat isolated myself this summer. Of course, I needed to do so to study for my DATs, but it started to become more like I was subconsciously isolating myself from the world even when I didn't have to. I used to want to see my friends everyday, and now I actually choose to go home and sit there for hours doing nothing instead of calling people to see if they want to hang out (for most of the time). I feel like it's because I don't have anything interesting anymore to say since I spend my whole life studying, and I feel somewhat pressured to have to say something and try to entertain my friends.

The whole reason I completely changed my work habits after high school was because I remembered how terrible it felt to be rejected from something I really wanted (to go to UCSD) and how frustrated I felt because it was something I couldn't control. After that, I wanted to work hard to get what I wanted. I didn't mind dedicating my whole life to academics and achieving success because I wanted to be able to control my future, and earning people's respect is important to me (I had to deal with getting so much shit from everyone for going to CC).

I start placing academics before everything. I felt like it was all okay because it would all pay off in the end; but now I just feel alone. I feel like I pushed everyone away just to study, and that I forgot what it's like to have fun, what it's like to have close friends. I feel like this summer I've somewhat drifted from the usual people I'm close with. I remember seeing my sister work so hard in high school and thinking, "Man, she totally doesn't even know what fun is anymore. I would hate to have her life." Dammit, now I'm her. I pushed everything aside for the sake of succeeding, including my health. I really feel the effects of not eating well (bad habits I got from last year; no time to eat) and not sleeping well. I've never gotten so many headaches in such a short period, my body randomly aches and I've never felt my heart twinge so much.

Someone close to me kept telling me that I should stop wasting my life in a book. "You only have two lives, and the second one isn't nearly as fun." Maybe it's time to listen.


...o!!<

Tainted Love

Haha, oh man, I heard "Tainted Love" on the radio today. The first thing that popped into my head is Ms. Cochrum [my high school bio teacher] jumping on the table and dancing while belting out "TAINTED LOVEEEEEEEEEE" hahaha. Brings back good memories. I really loved high school, but I was never close with my class. I jumped groups a lot, so I was much of a loner in the end. I don't even keep in touch with high school friends anymore [with the exception of one or two]. I guess that's why I get bored pretty easily when I come home. While everyone's reuniting with high school buddies, I just sometimes hang out with the few friends I do have left here. Even now, I don't find myself close to my "best friend" anymore; it's become more of just a label now. Oh well, I guess we all just grow up and drift apart eventually.

I also went to my elementary school to go swinging today. I used to walk there when I was in a bad mood and go swinging, but now I go just when I go on walks with my sister. I have always loved the swings, ever since I was a kid. It just feels so carefree and relaxing, and feeling the "whoosh" and wind whistling in your ear :)

Just as a random note... I once read an article that said to give thanks for the simple things in life every morning, and it'd give you a happier outlook on life. I do it every night before I sleep, but it really does make my life happier when I'm reminded of all the blessings I have [food, family, friends, shelter, education, etc...]. You should do it too! :)


...o!!<

Homesick

I haven't felt this homesick since the first time I moved to SD. I feel homesick, like really home SICK. I don't feel like I have a place I can call home here, and I didn't realize how much I would miss my old apartment either. I miss having my own space and my roommates and the convenience and fun of it all. So many things in my life are so hectic right now and I just want it all to STOP so I can go home and curl up in my bed. I don't want to stay in SD anymore; I'm tired of having to work so hard and end up disappointing people. I hate it even more when there isn't anything I can do to fix it. I just want to go home NOW.


...o!!<

Lacking Motivation

I never really regret anything I do; I make decisions and if it happens to be a bad one, I [complain a lot for a little bit] accept my mistake and move on. My lack of motivation this year has been one regret that has been bothering me for a while.

Had I been more motivated, I would have gotten in my PDS paperwork in time. I would have been able to have volunteered in clinic by now, and most importantly, I would have been able to go on Mercy [a humanitarian mission with the USNS] this summer. Every summer when I end up just taking summer classes instead of doing anything more worthwhile like internships, I keep saying that next year, I will improve. This has yet to happen; I am six weeks away from summer, and yet again, I will not be doing anything of significance. Dental school applications are creeping closer and closer, and I have nothing to show. My grades are not good, I have no experience, and I really need to start kicking it up. Going on the Mercy trip this summer would have been the most perfect opportunity for me to finally do something worthwhile with my time. Not only that, I especially wanted to go because one of my closest friends is leaving this year, and going on the ship with him would have been an extremely fun experience before we have to part.

I feel like I study so hard, but my grades are still so bad. I know I should change my methods of studying, but no matter what I try or how hard I work; I only come out average. Maybe it's the competitiveness in me that causes me to feel so negative every time I come out with a bad grade. I guess this is balanced out by my stubbornness/determination though. [I'd like to think of it as determination since it has a more positive connotation :]]

Ah, this is been a long rant, and in the end, I just have to accept what already has happened and move on. Typing this blog during metabolic class probably isn't the best start to improving my academic improvement. Back to lecture!


...o!!<