Most people who have known me for a while know that going to UCSD has been my dream since the beginning of high school. When I didn't get in, I appealed right away. The second time I appealed, I gathered 400 signatures from people around school [this guy from collegeconfidential got 300 signatures and it worked for him] and random people from Library Walk when I visited, and personally handed it to the director of admissions at UCSD; I even stood in front of my choir class and announced it. I think this is unlike something I would normally do, but I like to prove people wrong, which could also make it characteristic of me. I still didn't get into UCSD though; but that's why I decided to go to CC instead of UOP. I was determined to transfer within a year, despite all the crap people gave me about it being impossible. I did all my research and got a head start by working hard my second semester senior year; the semester that people usually slack off on. I got a 4.2 GPA with 5 class in high school, 4.0 in 3 community college classes out of school, worked a job, and had sports.
Everything I've done in my life has always been very extreme. If I study, I either don't study at all, or study nonstop. I'm either really happy or really sad. I either eat a lot or don't eat at all. I've been pretty consistently extreme in going to the gym and being determined/motivated though. Anyways, my point is that my life has always been on either one end of the spectrum or the other; there has never really been an in-between. I only had some stability for a few years when someone was there to balance out my craziness, but now it's back to being a roller coaster again. I made too many mistakes and didn't treasure what I had and really underappreciated this person, so I want to take this chance to say thanks to all those who have been putting up with me.
Another degree of my extremeness is my OCD-ness with schedules. I've always liked to have everything planned out; essentially every minute, every hour of my day is thought out at the end of the previous day or the beginning of the next day. I always knew I wanted to go to UCSD; I knew since 5 years ago that I wanted to be a dentist. I know where I want to go to dental school, I know where I want to work, I know where I want to live when I grow up. I always took pride in always understanding myself well and knowing exactly what I wanted and why I did things a certain way.
For the first time, I'm not sure. Did I really make the right choice in coming to UCSD? This has been my dream for so long, but it's completely different than I imagined. I'm so disappointed in the way things turned out, especially after all that I've sacrificed to get here. I'm far more lonelier than I have ever been in my life. I wonder if I would have been happier going somewhere else.
A factor contributing to my loneliness is that I'm extremely introverted. I don't think that I'm naturally like this, but I've become more closed off these past few months. I find it extremely hard for me to relate to people, so it's not easy for me to make good friends. But when I do, I really think highly of those people and value them. Unfortunately, these feelings are not reciprocated. I've been particularly upset with one friend lately, and I'm not sure if I really should be. I feel hurt and underappreciated because this person does not treat me as a friend at all. I really begin to doubt if we were friends in the first place. Is it really his/her fault that I am not liked as much as I want to be though?
Do I always have one or two people I can rely on? I really can't say for sure. I'm putting my heart out on my a silver platter, hoping someone will reach out as well, but it's bound to be knocked over. So I'm not going to reach out and let myself be so defenseless anymore.
Like I said, I don't like to give up, so don't worry about me; I will be fine.
...o!!<
P.S. This post has ended up being much longer than I expected. If you read through all of it, congrats, I'll give you a cookie next time.
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This Isn't Over!
10 years ago
This is the average length of my posts, so nothing to worry about.
ReplyDeleteAnd cheer up!
-muffinman
Ahh, we need to work on your stability issues but as long as you don't give up, life will be relatively okay. :]
ReplyDeleteDespite life being okay... I still worry, though. :P It's fine, though. That's just me. But please do cheer up! :D
x0x0-ashley
hey i commend you on your determination to come to ucsd! even if you arent sure if you made the right decision, dont worry. cause honestly, life is about making decisions, and you just gotta MAKE ONE. and you did.
ReplyDeletepeople always say that they want to do whats 'right' or 'in God's will' but a lot of times, they end up passively praying, rather than actively praying and actively seeking wisdom to do what would be good. many choices we make in life will have some sort of regret, but thats just cause we humans are selfish and want the best out of every situation. but things wont be like that. there is good and bad in every choice.
i hope you dont feel too lonely, cause how we feel and value should not be determined on having people around us, but rather, our relationship and identity in Him. :]
like for me, i try not to think about people too much, but focus on contributing to the church body and learning more about God, and through that, i become part of a community. but other than that....im pretty much a loner in my room, or going to class, or eating. hahhha.
dont regret your decision angela! a lot of good will come from you being here :]
-sarah